“Do you know that the Bible tells us, God sees even the insignificant sparrow?” I asked, as I looked down at my seven-year old.
“Yes Mommy, I learned that at Sunday school!” Natalie replied, looking up with a little sass in her voice..
I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful for a community to help me teach my daughters the love of God. As a parent, you look for every opportunity to drop the wisdom nuggets on your impressionable children, even when just running into Target to grab TP and milk.
As we crossed the parking lot, I observed the sparrows picking at leftover garbage on the road. Then I noticed a couple of larger birds next to the sparrows, bullying them, scaring the sparrows away from their contraband.
Crows.
I grimaced.
Then I heard in my brain, “I’m a crow.” Suddenly a wave of depression hit me and the thoughts flooded my consciousness,
“I’m just a crow. I’m not even a sparrow. I’m loud, overbearing, a bully, annoying, and just plain ugly. And no one wants a crow. They are the rejected bird. No one wants me. They are not seen. No one sees me. You don’t see me God. You don’t want me.”
I waited to hear that still small voice in my head to contradict it…but nothing came. So I let this “truth” settle in my soul and moved on.
So why do so many people hate the crow so much? Is it due to the Alfred Hitchcock’s 1963 movie, The Birds? Is it because of the pathetic begging at parks and family reunions? Maybe it’s because we have observed them ripping shreds of flesh off of rotten dead corpses on the side of the road one too many times, Or maybe it dates back even further to the 1800’s with Edgar Allan Poe’s poem “The Raven”. Could it simply be that they are loud and ugly?
At home, I put away TP, milk and $120 worth of “who knows what we bought at Target but, we really needed it”. Then, I retreated to my safe place in our back yard. Our home (in Southern California) backs up against the Santa Rosa Plateau. It is a hilly mountainous range that was built up when the Pacific Plate ran into the North American Plate, giving birth to the San Andreas Fault. They say it will continue to build up over time as the two continue to collide, creating little earthquakes. We live at the base of the hills in the valley. I love sitting on my hammock, facing the hills, observing the clouds change and watching the sun go down. I find refreshment and rest there in the expanse of the sky. There I feel close to God.
As I sat there, I repeated my earlier sentiments out loud, “I’m only a crow,” and waited. No response. In silence…I waited.
About a minute later, I noticed a black dot coming over the hills, then another and then another. As I watched the black dots draw closer, they continued to multiply. Before I knew it, one dot turned into hundreds and then thousands. They were, you guessed it, crows. I watched, through tears, as thousands of birds swooped, danced and glided through the air. I was awestruck by the timing of the moment and beauty of their dance. I had sat outside at sundown, many times before, and never observed this particular display.
My heart exclaimed, “You do see me! You do know me! And I am beautiful!”
And then in my heart, I heard Him speak: “Go learn about crows.”
I ran for my laptop and brought it outside. I looked up from my screen every once in a while as the river of birds continued to pour balm on my hurting heart. They just kept coming!
I found a recently published study on Crows done in Hudson NY, which is not far from where I grew up. Crows ARE fascinating creatures. They are incredibly faithful. They mate for life. The grown offspring return every year to help raise their new bothers and sisters, crows bury their food because they enjoy their food fermented, like a nice fine wine. They have an amazing memory; that is why they appear friendly to a person who has been nice to them and will harass a person who has been mean to them. They are incredibly intelligent. They have been observed to use up to nine tools or steps to get food. That is more than any other animal known.
As I read of the many fascinating details of crows, the Holy Spirit spoke to me about my character, affirming me in my original design. I’m faithful, I’m intelligent, I’m brilliant, I’m considerate and I’m beautiful. I love good food. I am meant for community. I soar and thrive in community. And yes, there is the truth that I can hold a grudge, be annoying, loud and overbearing at times but, even in that, I felt uniquely created and loved.
God is in the details of us, He knows us intimately. He even said,
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5
Over the years I have had to deal with a lot of mental turmoil from rejection and childhood trauma. My healing has been a long process of counseling, coaching, antidepressants, inner healing and cognitive therapy. In cognitive therapy you learn to replace the lies with truth. Instead of just letting thoughts come in to be a part of you, you capture each thought. You ask “Is this the truth?” and then, “What is the truth?” This process is something I do everyday, but a lot less than when I started. When I started this form of therapy, I truly thought I was going to have to be hospitalized.
The Bible teaches to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). This is where science and God agree. New neurons are being formed in the brain as you replace old patterns of thinking. The brain CAN heal. The difference, for me, as a Christian is; I invited God into my healing process. I believed He could speak to me and that he knew me best since he made me. So I let Him be the voice that was replacing my lies with His truth about me. I asked “God, is this the truth?” (usually no) and “What is the truth?” Then he would answer.
He speaks to me through nature, through color, a peaceful voice in my head, through reading the Bible, in dreams and in pictures when I close my eyes. I know this all sounds crazy to some. But I can’t deny Him when I continue to have experiences like the crows.
If you would like to experience God this way, I encourage you to open yourself up to Him. Ask Him to show you and be like a child and believe. He doesn’t disappoint. And please be nicer to crows 🙂
Always Growing,
Marcy
